I'm so sorry you are going through both physical and mental pain. I suffer from ulcerative colitis an inflammatory bowel disease and whenever i am in physical pain, it makes my mental pain worse. I understand the feeling of not wanting to live a life with both wearing you down, without being suicidal. It's extremely difficult dealing with both types of pain. I cannot imagine the pain and frustrations of dealing with recovery from surgery. Keep reaching out for help. I hope things get easier soon. (((Hugs)))