I don't have advise....I just want you to know I'm not in anyway tired of you nor do I judge you for staying, leaving or anything else. I don't know if you have BPD and there is no shame if you do. Try to meet yourself where you are at. You are confused, that part I can confirm. How can you obtain more clarity? I don't know what your relationship details are, I just know that you seem like a nice person who deserves happiness. I'm sorry for the stress you are under. (((Hugs)))