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Old Aug 09, 2017, 01:08 PM
Anonymous57382
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I didn't feel like writing at first because I was so unmoved by the session. But actually even though it felt like nothing happened at all, I think a lot was not being said.
I felt like he wasn't there today. He just wasn't really responding a lot. We talked a bit about the phone case and then he directed conversation to how it related to my childhood and I felt like we were pointlessly going over old ground. I said "I feel like you know all this already" he said "I do....im just focusing on...I'm just wondering how that felt for you" I felt like he wasn't focusing on anything and was just scrabbling around looking for something to say. I told him how it felt for me as a child, which I felt he also already knew.
I told him that someone had posited that perhaps I want more than a therapeutic relationship with him on some level. I said I didn't feel consciously that way but I didn't want to dismiss it out of hand because I felt like it could have some merit that I have conflicting feelings about the relationship. I wanted to explore thr possibility that i did in some ways have that desire.
T said "I don't know how to respond to that, I could state the bleeding obvious but that might be insulting." I said it depends how obvious it is. He said "that it's important to maintain the integrity of the therapeutic relationship". I said that is obvious, and we laughed. I said he doesn't have to explain the importance of the therapeutic relationship to me, which he agreed. I said I didn't think the other person was suggesting that either. He said Oh no, I didn't think they were.
But I find myself wondering, if that's the case why didn't we explore the possibility that i do have those feelings instead of reminding me of the importance of the boundaries? Or was he reminding himself of that, rather than me?
I talked about how I have thought about the finite nature of the therapeutic relationship being hard for me to process, and he kept saying he's been thinking about that with me moving further away, that the distance might become hard. It felt like he was saying the ending is in sight. I said I think he underestimates how important this is to me. He said he doesn't think he does.
There were 5 mins to go. I said there's only five minutes left and something has been missing from this session. T said if you leave, what will you feel you have not had from the session? I said connection. T looked at me as though he was trying to maintain eye contact (because that's usually important to me for connection) but I wasn't having it. And I was a bit irritated he thought it would be that easy to fix the lack of connection.
He said that earlier in the session he had felt sad and cross about my childhood stuff so maybe he hasn't been as present as I needed. I feel he wasn't present but I don't know if it was because of that, or if I felt it before.
I feel like we were occupying two different spaces today.
Hugs from:
Anastasia~, atisketatasket, awkwardlyyours, growlycat, kecanoe, LonesomeTonight, lucozader, ruh roh, unaluna