As soon as I start feeling better and SI goes away I feel guilty because of all the people who are dying but wish to live. SI is a symptom of illness however and therefore not entirely rational. Of course you don't want to die from some possibly painful lingering illness. I'm so very sorry for what you are facing......that is a lot to digest and it makes sense it didn't hit you right away. You will likely be on an emotional roller coaster of feeling regarding this as the biopsy date approaches so be kind and understanding with yourself. It's not dying that scares me as much as continuing to live in constant pain and function loss. (((hugs)))