I really would enjoy being able to talk to my friends. It would really make me happy, actually. But, instead, when I do attempt to initiate a conversation I'm flat out ignored. I really don't understand what I did to them. It's like they've ghosted me. It's as though I am an indifference, a non-starter, not even the vaguest of thought to them. It would be so very nice if it wasn't literally always me trying to initiate a conversation.

I would be so happy just getting a letter or exchanging more than the once every 6+ months brief, casual and pedantic messages, just to hear what's going on in their lives. Is this just how friendships function nowadays? (I have found that I shouldn't talk about anything dealing with my mental health, aside from making a perfunctory "I'm in a depressed mood" etc. statement. Mentioning anything more leads to people walking away. So, that kind of limits what I can talk about.) But, it would just be so splendid to talk with them about their lives and our common interests.

I recently got back in touch with a friend that ghosted me near the end of 2016. I'd messaged her two or three times since February 2017. She did respond in March or thereabouts explaining why she ghosted, but then she immediately disappeared after saying it'd be cool for us to begin again our friendship. Recently, I messaged her over the weekend and she responded a few days ago. I was so happy to hear from her. I avoided talking about my health as that was a reason she ghosted. We exchanged messages and seemed to be entering into an actual conversation. Then, after a handful of exchanges, she disappeared again.

I can't say anything to her or any of my other friends about how much it hurts to have them just disappear because it'd just show how "needy" I am and/or they'd censure me and/or it would be awkward and they'd just ghost me again, if they'd respond at all.

I really wish that I had no desire or need to socialize with anyone. I'd not feel this interpersonal mono no aware nor the isolation nor alienation nor loneliness.

The sentiment expressed in this is not very dissimilar from the ostracization or abnegation or abandonment I feel at this juncture in my life. But, I probably deserve it?