A tl;dr rant.

I really want, rather need(?), to scream. I don't know how to perspicuously give voice to my frustration, vehemence, chagrin, dereliction, guilt, dishonor, fault, fear; shame; crushing and earnest remorse.

I don't think it matters whether or not I can give voice to this disconcerting and anxiety-precipitating and churning and masticating amalgamation of want and/or need and/or desire and/or indefiniteness and/or definiteness. I've given voice to it before so many times. It has lost its value. It has become a haranguing, hackneyed, weird, wearisome annoyance to those in earshot. All the means of connection were eaten by the Langoliers.

About a decade ago, I was talking with a therapist about my desire to put on shows like Gatsby. Throw enormous parties; set alight that torch by the waterside; all in an effort to get that one person to find their way to his proximity. I didn't intend for myself to literally throw enormous parties, but more so figuratively to make myself easily found, easily noticeable all in an effort to "subtly" get their attention as direct communication was not possible -- I didn't even know who they were. It would have been like my broadcast on an arcane-esque frequency. I have no idea how to do this as there is nothing special about me.

Now, presently, I have the desire for this to not only find that one unknown person, but to also speak with people of my past; I'd transmit my "voice" into the universe and hope they'd happen upon it.

I wonder about modern-day messages in bottles. Instead of the sea, thrown into an ersatz abyss or black-hole or beyond the horizon. An "Here I am. Are you(all) out there? Do you(all) hear me? Do you(all) see me? I'm looking for you(all). Will you(all) find me?" message.