kinda like, bill. as i've said before, it's not the dic pick that's got me all in a dander so much as it is the lying about it and trying to sweep it away. she has said repeatedly she no longer wants to talk about anything untoward that happened in our past. Let's wipe the slate clean and move on. Easy for her to say, not for me.

A few weeks earlier, after one of our rows, she wrote a note to her best friend, my sister, who thought, best friend or not, I should see it. She wrote:

"I panicked and did a bad thing two nights ago. I called [my abusive narcissist exboyfriend], and he came over ... It was the sudden overwhelming panic of the looming crushing loneliness beckoning to me. Today, guess who knocked on my door but [my abusive ex], bringing me juice he'd made and tomatoes from the garden. Going to see my therapist later. I don't even know if I can tell her about [my abusive ex]."

Here's her explanation, which seems to me to be overly long and confusing. Basically, she's telling me that the Sunday night visit never happened and that it got typed there by mistake:

She wrote, "Stand back put on your robes of compassion and empathy. I did not call him and he did not come over. I do not have a phone number for that person. I deleted it from my phone, my contacts list, my car, all places it had been. I thought I had lost you, and I wanted to commit anew to no contact by telling that person directly to stay the **** out of my life. And I had no idea that person would show up on my doorstep to return a few things of mine, finally, after this whole time, because I guess he finally got that I was deadly serious."

(I mean, deadly serious about no-contact and he shows up two days later with gifts? She did not tell me what they spoke about, but I know she didn't tell him to get lost, to respect her no-contact wishes and like that.)

She goes on, "It got written the way it was written because I’d had hardly any sleep, I hadn’t eaten anything, I was likely very hung over, I could have been stoned, and I was scared, terrified that I had lost you. I have been completely beside myself; some days I forget to take my meds, and you know that isn’t good either. I’ve forgotten to eat, or haven’t been able to. I haven’t been able to sleep. The looming crushing loneliness beckoning was activated by you leaving me…I didn’t feel that when I knew you were with me. The crushing loneliness came from thinking I’d lost the love of my life, and that I was helpless to do anything about it"

And there you have it. It's easier for me to believe this one than the dic pic one, but, man, that line about calling him is direct, to the point and without equivocation. it doesn't seem like it came from someone who was hungover, high, off her meds, or starving. Your take?