I tried to go on the swings but there were kids playing on them :-( I couldn't deprive kids of the joy. I felt like I NEEDED to be on the swings but it's all good.

I am much higher than yesterday. Work was a DRAG. We watched a movie and I couldn't pay attention because of the music looping through my head and I felt so damn restless sitting there for an hour and a half. I made it through but DAMN.

I'm starting to think my energy is connected to other people. In that when I'm around people they absorb some of my energy and keep me down. Like I can almost see the energy leaving my body and being absorbed. It's kind of disconcerting. Because I want to keep my energy on the one hand but on the other I want to share the joy I feel with others. So if they can absorb some and feel happy I'm down with it.

I'm thinking that might not be quite right but it's how I feel. Which is how I know I'm higher than I was yesterday. Which means there is a SPECTACULAR crash in my future. But maybe not? Maybe the vraylar will work and I can land safely without going mixed again. It's the mixed that scares me. This is awesome.

I'm sitting in my nurses office and I'm honestly not sure what to tell her. I want to tell her I'm great but I'm so afraid of the mixing possibility! So I guess I have to tell her how high I am. She's not gonna like it. She thinks manic episodes are a horrible thing. She doesn't give a damn about my depression but lord don't let me get manic!

I feel like writing something. I guess that's why I'm babbling here.

I can't sit here for a god damn hour but she just took an initial eval back and she spends forever with them. So I guess I'm just gonna sit.