Thanks for explaining how she is a minefield for you. I see what you mean! But I also agree with this:
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But we continue on -- hopeful that this time, with booze out of the picture, I can control my meltdowns better. And so far so good.
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Keeping away from alcohol will be a big help, I believe.
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Sobriety has kept me from acting out on it, but it is a problem. I'll be bolted awake at 2 am with her on a train, the tape of what happened unspooling from the get go and wrecking my sleep, with thoughts of her doing the same or similar with me in the picture.
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I am glad that you have not acted on these dreams. Sobriety can help people do great things! How long have you had the dreams? How do you deal with these thoughts if/when they come up during the day?
I am familiar with DBT. How has DBT helped you, how long have you been using DBT, and how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?
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The no-contact failures, however, have not occurred in the course of normal life.
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I'm not sure if I agree with this statement or not, based on what you have shared so far. I think one has to remember that "normal life" for her, I gather, includes major degrees of emotional volatility, so that unconstructive ideas such as contacting him start to look helpful to her, or at least irresistible. Does she see a therapist now? I wonder if she does DBT, or, if not, if she would consider it?
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I believe this is why, no matter what, no matter that it might make her lie, she always always always has to maintain her innocence when it comes to things like the ****-pic fiasco. Which is also why she can't stand up and take responsibility -- because somehow, in her mind, she has worked it out that she is, in fact innocent, so there is no responsibility that needs to be taken.
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I really admire this passage as in my opinion you demonstrate a great degree of insight and compassion. It sounds very much like what happened when she was 15 had a profound, devastating impact on her life, and still does. And I conclude from what you wrote that she was in fact innocent at that age, despite the strong contrary insistence of law enforcement and the adults in her life. My heart goes out to her. I bet that she needed to have that belief in her own innocence in her mind to maintain her sanity at that excruciating time. It could well be a core, rock bottom belief for her, that she is innocent and even if she makes a mistake that doesn't change her being innocent. How able do you feel to allow her that belief? I don't mean that you should speak with her about it--just remember in your own mind that she needs this belief, and speak and act accordingly.
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But then some might argue that I'm an enabler.
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For you to be an enabler there would, first of all, need to be reason to think that the belief is damaging her life. Is it? If yes, how so?
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As you might imagine, I'm very emotional about all of this and it clouds my ability to think straight, so the well-tempered, thoughtful and insightful stuff you have said has been helpful like you can't imagine. Thanks!!!!
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Thank you so much for your exceedingly kind words!
And good job keeping away from emotional-fueled or alcohol-fueled yes/no decisions made on the fly.