[QUOTE=Bill3;5773724]Thanks for explaining how she is a minefield for you. I see what you mean! But I also agree with this:

Keeping away from alcohol will be a big help, I believe.

absolutely. the issues that led to meltdowns remain for the most part but without booze, i am not acting on those issues, at least so far i haven't. it seems remarkable to me that cutting that one thing out of my life could have such a huge impact.

I am glad that you have not acted on these dreams. Sobriety can help people do great things! How long have you had the dreams? How do you deal with these thoughts if/when they come up during the day?

I have them all the time. I sometimes talk during my sleep about what i'm dreaming. My girlfriend said that happened last night, with me saying stuff like, We're done, that's it and **** you. She thought it seemed directed at her. But, she pays no attention to this stuff. She said, it happened during a dream, so it's not real, which is also what she says when i'd been drinking and melted down: you were drunk so it's not real.

I don't know how she's able to partition stuff off like this, but maybe it's because of the partitioning skills she had to learn at the age of 15. The bad part is, it keeps her in bad relationships for way way way too long. I'm just the latest one.


I am familiar with DBT. How has DBT helped you, how long have you been using DBT, and how long have you been seeing your psychiatrist?

I've only been seeing my psychiatrist for a few months and only been involved with DBT for the same amount of time. I don't know how it's helped me, if indeed it has. I was hoping it'd help with the intrusive thoughts -- which occur during waking hours as well as sleeping, but so far that has not been the case.

I am unsure right now what to do about the dic pick lies. Do I relegate them to the past, as she has done and wants me to do? If so, do I just hope that the intrusive thoughts based on them disappear with time? If any of the above, am I putting her well being above mine and doing myself a disservice? I just don't know. In the meantime, since we're involved in a long-distance relationship right now, can I trust her? should I trust her? what do i do with my thoughts that run counter to trusting her?

I'm not sure if I agree with this statement or not, based on what you have shared so far. I think one has to remember that "normal life" for her, I gather, includes major degrees of emotional volatility, so that unconstructive ideas such as contacting him start to look helpful to her, or at least irresistible. Does she see a therapist now? I wonder if she does DBT, or, if not, if she would consider it?

I agree with what you're saying. She sees a therapist twice a week. The therapist has a buddhist orientation and is not at all proscriptive. No DBT/. she is well aware of DBT and wants me to do it, but she's not going down that avenue right now. She believes she is doing very well by her brand of therapy and will admit to no other. Again, it's part and parcel, I think, of her need to see herself as an innocent and not an active participant or proximate cause in my various meltdowns so she doesn't need anything like DBT.

I really admire this passage as in my opinion you demonstrate a great degree of insight and compassion. It sounds very much like what happened when she was 15 had a profound, devastating impact on her life, and still does. And I conclude from what you wrote that she was in fact innocent at that age, despite the strong contrary insistence of law enforcement and the adults in her life. My heart goes out to her. I bet that she needed to have that belief in her own innocence in her mind to maintain her sanity at that excruciating time. It could well be a core, rock bottom belief for her, that she is innocent and even if she makes a mistake that doesn't change her being innocent. How able do you feel to allow her that belief? I don't mean that you should speak with her about it--just remember in your own mind that she needs this belief, and speak and act accordingly.

Yes, you are right on target here about her innocence. And I'm able to allow it and let it go up to the point, of course, where it has a direct impact on my life. ie, lying about the dic pick thing. that's where i falter and wonder if i'm doing the right thing, putting her needs above mine, when i know mine might be a little extreme due to my mental health issues. then again, i might be selling myself short there, too, given that perhaps most people would have a problem with the type of lying she does. I want the best for her, but at what cost to me?

For you to be an enabler there would, first of all, need to be reason to think that the belief is damaging her life. Is it? If yes, how so?

[B]good point. And no, the belief is not damaging her life, but perhaps only up to the point where she's lying about stuff to maintain her innocence.

As you can tell, I'm still in the throws of indecision. She has a ton of different sides to her. The soft loving side, the MBA-getting-for-no-reason-side, the rock n roll lead singer side, the dic-pick-soliciting side, the side that knows medicine better than most doctors, law better than most lawyers, the traumatized-at-15-but-carrying-on-pretty-damn-well side and on and on, all derived from her genius-level IQ and her need to keep her brain busy. And I've not seen all of her sides. And I'm sure there are some I don't want to see or have seen but rather I hadn't. And she has a way of keeping them separate, so they aren't all blended into one whole but more or less come out and announce themselves as needed or wanted. I mainly see the soft loving side, but my snooping has shown me other sides, and I've seen her doctor side and lawyer sides a few times, and they are impressive.

what i don't know, and what gets at me, is that while some of these sides are current and on going, some are not, but which ones are and which ones aren't i don't know. So, for instance, I don't know whether the dic pick side is still around or not and I won't know unless I do that which I'd rather not. I mean, before I found out about it, I wouldn't have guessed that she would be into something like that in a million years. I'm still kind of rocked back by how opposite such a liking is from the likings of the woman I know and the woman she has said she is. Then again, I'd never have figured her for a liar, either. A few weeks ago, I asked her if she'd ever told some really pretty big lies. Her answer: Never.

basically, she's very complicated, and at a certain point those complications, or me thinking about them, or me having to deal with them, might get to be too much for me. Don't know where I stand now. Wish I did. .