When I was growing up I became invisible. I was never noticed--and floated away frequently (dissociated). There were many reasons for this; violence and abuse at home and profound neglect. The holidays were about the adults getting drunk and worse.

Last week T said I could call him this week if I needed him; that he would check his messages 4x per day. Yesterday i unraveled and was flooding. I called him at 3 in the afternoon. He never called back. I am invisible. I am weepy. I am lonely despite being surrounded by my loving family.

I am trying to work this through but I keep hitting a wall. It is a familiar feeling--like facing a tidal wave. I know I must retreat, into myself, to protect myself from any further hurt. I don't know how to mold it or transform it because its texture is so hard and there's no malleability. I simply have to go another way. I'm searching but when I look up the sky ifs filled with a huge grey cloud--sunless and heavy. I'm suffocating.