Today I've been hanging out in my reading room, mostly reading on PC.

I've got tread marks from last night. I was told last night that it's all my fault that our family is so f'd up. It's all my fault. I've heard that all day in my mind.

Ya know, maybe it is. Maybe it is my fault that I have stayed and tried to keep peace and safety for my boys. Or, maybe that's NOT my fault because I never felt like I had a choice. Stupid learned helplessness. That rolls the blame to my upbringing. So. It's their fault! But. What about their upbringing? What if they didn't know any other way? Does that send it back another generation? Is it their fault that they saw no abuse in what they did or didn't do?

I feel numb.

This is wearing me out!

I don't really want to do anything but hang here. It's a beautiful day outside but it looks better from my window.

I do have to go and pick up some things from the grocery but I don't want to even get dressed.

Sorry to be a downer. I just wanted to put it somewhere.

This is not me. [emoji853]