I've given that thought. My response to his question "are you going to hurt yourself" was flippant and I was purposefully obfuscating. Because...I guess that was a test. The specificity of my ideation didn't start until after I had left. After he told me he'd see me next week. And my internal response was "the F you will."

So perhaps it wasn't for him in that moment to take action, because in the room I wasn't specific in my plan. But I feel like my response warranted something other than "I'll see you next week."

I do this with people. I purposefully put people in difficult situations in order for them to fail me. It makes the world make sense to me. The world has always failed me, and it will continue to do so. I wasn't consciously trying to test him, but it's certainly manipulative behavior.

This is what I mean when I say I'm a monster. I manipulate people in a way that is unfair and cruel in order to retain a worldview that isn't serving me anyway. I don't believe that RoboT is bad or is trying to hurt me, but I stacked the cards in a way so that he had no choice but to hurt me.

Dang. I guess that's something for me to explore, whether that be with him or someone else.