Have you tried getting up, even though it's the middle of the night? That would be unpleasant but perhaps better than ruminating?

// I have tried that but not often enough. Last night, the 2nd to last night i'll be spending w/ my gf for a month, I didn't startle awake but I did have bad dreams all night about something that happened during the day (see below) and secrets and hidden stuff. Nothing I could do about them, really, because I was asleep but they sure do make me feel undone and uneasy in the morning.

I would see that as a type of therapy. And with that kind of listening orientation I would not expect her therapist to express an opinion as to whether to leave or stay with you.

Okay, yes. I do know that a few weeks ago, the therapist said something, regarding my gf's last two bfs, me and the narcissist, that really pissed her off. the T said, wow, you sure know how to pick em.

but for the most part, the therapist stays in the background.

That certainly is a concern.

With regard to commenting on your progress, I wouldn't call that needing to appear innocent, because I was thinking of innocence more in terms of sexual innocence/naivete.

agreed

Another reason she might lie is because, in the past, she was harshly punished when caught doing something wrong.

I know she felt harshly punished by everybody who sort of condemned her after what happened when she was 15. other than that, she was never punished by her parents, who were totally hands off and certainly her mother had mental illness problems of one sort or another. never really loved or took care of her daughter, just let her be or put her down for not being as smart as her. after hrer parent's divorce, her mother slept around a lot, lots of men coming through the house, etc. my gf calls her a total narcissist.


This example of her saying that she congratulated you, and then agreeing that she didn't, could be really instructive. I wonder what would have happened to her in the past if she were with a previous guy, especially the abusive guy, in this situation. Could you discuss that example with her further? In a nonthreatening, nonjudging way, perhaps you could ask her to think about what brought her to lie about the text messages. Perhaps she didn't even realize it was a lie; perhaps in her mind, she had already congratulated you.

No matter how I come at such a question, she'll feel interrogated so I best not bring it up. However, I do think you're 100% right, in her mind she had already congratulated me. I don't know how to feel about that.

How long ago was the boob shot narrative you shared?

Roughly 1.5 to two years before we met, although when we met, he was still in her life as a stalker. Yes, I know that's a long time before we met and people do change, but imo they change less in their, say, mid 50s than they do in their early 20s.

It is possible that she still does dic pic stuff, but how likely is it, in your judgment?

somewhat possible, either that or something similar. I know she has the boobilus pic she sent the guy still on her phone, I don't know if she still has the dic pic still on it, but i wouldn't be surprised.

Yesterday, we were out driving, got a little lost, and I picked up her cell phone and suggested we use the GPS. I don't have her password and she knows it. But she snatched that phone away from me and got a grip on it like state secrets were involved. I said, you can put your password in, you don't have to tell me. She said, No, I won't do that while I'm driving. But, of course, she's done that tons of times in the past. I said, what do you have on there that's so secret? She paused a split second too long, imho, and said, I'm establishing boundaries. she didn't say nothing was on there, just the boundaries thing. She looked pretty ... twitchy and nervous about the thought of me having access to her cell phone, like she was certain I'd go past her GPS and start snooping and find stuff she didn't want me to find.
A gloomy half hour passed and I basically let it go. But, my dreams haven't let it go, nor my thoughts during the day.
Why so sudden a snatch? Why did she say she wouldn't put her password in while driving? What the hell is on there?
Anyway, it made me feel super insecure and super unhappy with feeling super insecure. Especially when we have two more days together before we don't see each other for a month, with the dic pick thing still bedeviling my brain pan.

Well I think that you are tolerating the uncertainty and stress pretty well, now that you've stopped with the drinking. She gives you a lot of triggers, and you have managed to not blow up. That says a lot.

I'm doing my best. Yesterday's incident nearly put me in meltdown mode. Some part of me thinks I need to talk to her about it before she leaves tomorrow, but I wouldn't know what to say to her other than, the way you grabbed that phone away from me made me feel pretty damn bad and insecure and worried and suspicious, and I just don't know how to process those feelings.

But maybe I just need to take the moment and file it away as a nothing thing to me mindful of when considering our future.

As always, I'm unsettled and unsure and living in limbo. Ugh.