No I am not delusional, I don't believe im in or out of the matrix and my name is not Neo, and I don't believe I am "The One".

Nor can I fly, altho that would be pretty cool...

Just hear me out (even though my new pdoc think this is more BPD than BP and subsequently hasn't really helped me)

I feel like I became unplugged, and I have seen my life for what it truly is...

A series of mediocre events and actions to be repeated in one sequence or another until I die of boredom or the perfect suicide.

You listen to that Katy Perry song, "Chained to the rhythm"?

I feel like that, like I am chained to the rhythm of society, work, pay bills, die... And I don't want to be.

Like "2y.o throwing a tantrum" don't want to be...

I feel trapped and panicked that this is my life, this is as good as it gets, and this is all there is.
Trapped tigers don't behave so well....

Its been so bad I have not been to work all month, I am due back next week. Hopefully by then, the idea of going to the office and being at the mercy of someone else's will, schedules and rules wont make me feel suicidal anymore.

Sure I could do what I always do when a job drives me nuts, I could quit.
But I have bills to pay, and I'm the only one working in this house too.

So my choices right now are, go to work wishing I was dead and doing my best not to SH, or quit and have zero income, letting my daughter down in the process.

Nice.

It all just feels really out of wack right now.

I'm super depressed, but leaning toward "mixed" atm, because I have hypo symptoms presenting as well...

I just want to be plugged back in, go back to accepting my life,doing my life, which includes my job, my responsibilities and caring for my batshyt crazy sick mother who has dragged me to the Mad Hatter's tea party...

Ignorance was bliss.

I hate being unplugged, please someone plug me back in.

Life needs me to start functioning and taking part again.

Oh I also really really want a sub-dermal anchor piercing, a new tattoo and to shave my hair short.... But I don't have money for those things even though I'm totally convinced they will help me.