You're not doing anything wrong. I have a friend who is a really great guy, active at church, has 2 beautiful children, a beautiful wife, nice house, little league coach, good job that he worked hard for, obtained his masters degree and is beloved by so many in the community, never met a stranger.

My friend was wakeboarding August 6th and came into contact with the propeller. He did not survive. His celebration of life crowd overflowed the church. How could he have gotten more right with the cosmos? I just don't believe it works that way.

You are working on improving yourself and that's great. My guess is you'll get over that wall before you know it. The video you posted made me sad. Sending big hugs.