<font color="blue">Ok, let me first confess, I'm too depressed to read your long posts right now. It would be easier if you could make new paragraphs every few sentences... but that's not what I came to say.

Dealing with aging parents is another whole ball of wax. It won't do any good to tell them how poorly you (or me, or anyone) feel they did as a parent. They felt they did the best they could, and who really knows their capacity, certainly not the children! So you have to let those comments ride. You don't have to encourage them or confirm them, though.

IMPO it might be best for your spouse to seek help now, while his father is still alive. This way a T can help him deal with the ongoing feelings. Also, if he waits till he passes, then goes, well, he might miss an opportunity to ask a few pertinent questions--and more importantly, understand what or how the parent was thinking at the time of some issues. Insight can heal a multitude of hurt.

You can still praise each other in front of a parent! Let the other roll ... but support each other. Sometimes when ppl see the comraderie, they quit being offensive.