I was very moved by a post on another thread that mentioned hatred of the therapist and what that might mean at a deeper, not-fully-realized level.

I can definitely, consciously hate my last therapist. And my sister, who was unkind to me in recent years. And the extended family of origin and the members of it, in kind of general terms, headed by my mother’s mother.

But hating my mother, personally? No – it might hurt her. Or something, even though she has been dead almost 4 years.

It WAS progress for me, I think, that I hated my last therapist and DID feel a wish to hurt her – normally that feeling and impulse-system is shut down in me, although I do sometimes act in ways that hurt other people – it’s just not usually part of a conscious intention.

The wish to “hurt” her led to me to contacting her and to ask for a partial refund. We have been in occasional email and snail mail contact since then, and may – or may not – be close to working something out where I can continue the therapy and “continue” a development process that I believe was stymied in my childhood.

I’m guessing this development process will have to include, in some way, a personal hatred toward my late mother – whom I also loved and adored in some ways. The love and adoring was the only attitude allowed by the “matriarchal” cultural value system I lived in.

That system is gone. Most of the people are gone. And in some ways I’m still stuck in it.

Still trying to get out, more or less. Looking for something “better” and worth getting out for.

I guess I have to at some point accept how I hate my mother and was hurt, mostly unintentionally, by her. She is gone. She will never love me the way I needed. I hate her but love(d) her, too. Very hard to deal with.