And you will be left to wonder whether she just hides things automatically, by reflex, or whether she had something from the past that she is embarrassed to share, or whether she has something going on now that she wants to keep from you.

And that basically summarized the whole situation, right? She can be very loving, but she can also plant seeds of doubt. And so I see two questions for you to consider: first, of course, is which do you believe more--the loving you get from her or the doubts? And second, since you can't be sure where she is with you, how much risk are you willing to take?

well, she said what i thought she'd say and a little more. basically: "I'm sorry you feel that way. I really am sorry." pause. "I don't know what you want me to say." pause. "i can see how what happened might make you feel insecure, and I'm sorry you feel that way." pause. "I need my privacy and you have violated it in the past." pause. "even if i told you what was on there, you would believe me." pause. "even if i let you in there to look at everything, you'd find a snippet and interpret it without knowing the context."

I said, "You have so many secrets and i know there's stuff on their you don't want me to see." She said, "How do you know that?" Seemed like she wanted to test and see if I'd already snooped and knew about secrets for sure or whether i was flying blind. I could see her tense up. I said, I just know. And she seemed to relax.

Later, she said, "I love you, honey."
And I said, "I love you, too. but this isn't about love."

Later, she said, "I don't want you to feel insecure. I never want you to feel insecure."

What she did not say is, There's nothing to be insecure about, honey.

So, between one thing and another, I gather there is indeed stuff on her phone that would be a big big problem for me if i saw it. at no point did she attempt to make me feel secure, even after i noted that long-distance relationships are hard enough without having to feel unsure about one's other.

I also said, I'm already trying to process trust issue with you (a ref, she knows, to the dic pick biz) and it's not helpful to have this on top of it.

She said, I understand. And that's all.

At one point, it got a little heated and she got very up tight and started in on me interrogating her, which i suppose i was a little. but not that much. but not much is too much for her.

I do think she has something going on now, which even if I wanted to, I couldn't tolerate and I don't think anyone could tolerate. She's not going to explain or tell me what it is, and i don't want her to. But it was there, hanging like in the air like a great big booger.

So, from what I've said, what's your take? She is going to continue whatever it is she's doing, and it'll be a secret, and that seems to be it.

She never said, nope, there's nothing on there, believe me or not. she just more or less dances around it, seemingly unable to tell me a bald-faced lie when she's talking to me face to face.

If I remember more, I'll add it. But this is where it stands at the moment. No reassurance from her that I should trust her, which maybe is too much to ask for anyway and probably something her shrink would tell her not to do anyway. Secrets that she thinks context would help me understand but no way is she going to offer me context. And she has used this context line before, with the dic pix thing, and it seriously made no difference to the the narrative she wrote; ie, it explained nothing.

Okay, I've got to stop now. Will add more as I come up for air. Please excuse all typos and dropped words. I'm in an iffy state.

could see her being "terrified" of going back to that neighborhood. Possibly she does actually fear what he might do if were drunk and he saw you two together. But aside from that, it is legit in my view to fear his power over her. He sounds like he might be a type of addiction for her, and many who break their drug habits have a visceral fear of getting anywhere near that previous lifestyle.

yes, i agree with you here.

Thank you very much for your kind words!