I've posted a bit, but this is the topper. I haven't been this depressed in a very long time. I lived up north for a year, I was getting help for pain killer addiction and trauma in a rehab, and decided to stay living there afterwards, because the folks knew my situation was bad back home with mom and brother. I have been back for almost 3 months and have been struggling very bad. I have a psychiatric history, but have gotten better throughout the last 1 1/2 years, and when I was up north, I was sane for a while actually. But, when it was time for me to go out on my own, I ran amok. And I was seriously taken advantage of, both my mom and I with money.($2000 for 2 weeks of rent) I received an inheritance, used it to better my life, and am right backat square on--I did something wrong!!! I came home.
The other night, (and I know this wasn't about the taco-thank god I can see this today), but my brother ate my taco--didn't ask. I went to my mom and said, "I wish he was dead, I'm sick of him, hurting peole hurt people" (he is a felon, and has a very bad temper. As I was getting into my car, he yelled from the front door, 'FU", I called the police and told them I was afraid of his temper. I didn't want them to come and disrupt the neigbors, so I went home. So, last night (xmas eve), I got angry at my mom too. She told me I had to leave. My brother lied and said I threatened my mom, (I herd him talking to the cops walking by my room - so i called them and told them he was lying) he has this behavior before. When I was up north-the cops were never called on me. Why does my brother do this? Do I HAVE to love him? I try to. Then he called me a fat "c***(i hate that word!) and I've been heavier, I weigh about 170. Anyway, so I have been crying non stop, my body and heart is rackked with pain emotionally and physically. I wanted to find a place to live. I am alone. I came back here to no friends, it's a sad situation. My self esteem was just building back up, and when this happens with my brother, I fall to pieces, and almost need to go to a psych ward. So tonight, my mom and bro went out for xmas dinner, the cops told us we cannot have any contact. (my bro and I) i don't know what to do, I need to go somewhere SAFE, I do not feel safe near him, but of course my mom and i want us to love each other, I didn't have to deal with ANY of this while living up north, I was around people--but there's nothing up there for me anymore, and school is down here, I can't continue school emotionally unstable. I reached somewhat of understanding with mom, why do I feel so hated guys? What do I need to do? The cops being called was the topper, I did NOT deserve that at all. I am terrified of moving anywhere else, but I live in total fear here w/my brother, I do not feel safe. He is a registered sex offender, not the 'normal' type though, the courts termed it consentual, he served his time, and regrets all of it. I want a life of my own and I'm scared that is never going to happen. I have depression. I really need some help, and thought I would write about what has happened. Now I am at an all time low, and no matter how hard I pray, I don't see my life getting any better and would hate to go on an antidepressant just because of my bro. My mom is angry with me about what I said, but she doesn't seem to be upset about what he said to me. I'm feeling very lonely, and need to push myself to get involved with some kind of suport--I was thinking ACA, CODA, church, anything. I need help, and don't know where to find it. I just want to love and be loved--that's it.
Please, can someone please help me here and give me your input of what you see, how can I stop the abuse??? I am being honest with everything. (see? i am VERY sensitive and my self esteem has been shot!--like I have to prove myself) Also, when I was living elsewhere, and I heard my brother threw a temper with mom, I did NOT call the police, why does he? The only answer I come up with is that he wants to bring me down--and he is succeeding--way down, I do not belong in a psych ward, but I have no support. I have been nonstop crying and have a bad headache--I can't stop crying very well.
Please dear god what is the solution?
Thanks for reading if you did.