It is my fault.... or not? ....i wanted to be here, i had plans, but i also had hopes.... but any hope i had, are vanishing. they are just more disappointments on a long list.

flashes are back, pointing out that death is the only way out. im trapped. problems are everywhere, they will never end and im sick of them. im sick of living so i want and need to give up. im really trying, but its all useless. just more failures.

why holding on if the end is always the same? if what stays in between is meaningless and only painful for everybody. i dont see the point. really. and im tired, so tired. of everything.

im losing the only thing that kept me going... my job. go figure i lived for a job! it was not for the job itself. it was for the money that would open some possibilities for me. travelling, meeting my friend, getting married etc... all bull*it. im just not made for this life. i keep repeating it but nobody listens to me. help? i dont deserve any help and i cannot be helped anyway.

i could keep trying, maybe i will, but i dont want to anymore. i have to force myself and its so exhausting. holding on for what? i really dont see any other way out.