i haven't been researching anything...

haven't really been doing anything besides keeping myself super distracted from the mental illness and all the symptoms

but i find myself obsessed with getting high because its like the only coping mechanism i fall back on... i shake my legs alot, fidget, rock... i pace and walk around... i try to do activities like working on things... but the feelings/symptoms are always there which fuels the obsessive thoughts which just makes it harder for me with the addictions and fighting the obsessive thoughts...

i've been practicing extreme avoidance i guess, burying emotions and feelings, stuffing pain down, hiding feelings, masking myself, pretending, or whatever you call it... not really on purpose, but just like i've given up - i dont have any hope left, i dont see any way out .. so i am just trying to keep this fragile house of cards from falling... the only way i know how, but i know its going to implode, i am not a fool... i dont know when, i feel it getting worse, i know that i cant sustain - even if i was sober... i just dont know what i am going to do or what to do anymore, i've lost all control if i ever had any control which i dont think i have ever had any control over these symptoms or my situation...

im just really tired, i want things to change and to be different but i cant change it

i dont like to get in this space and think about it because it makes me feel suicidal... i dont want to go through this anymore, but ill step away and ill walk into it, my mouth opens and words come out and the actions follow and im just along for the ride anymore...

i can't believe the way i have been behaving, im not my self... but maybe its for the better

know i was failing to function the way i was behaving thats for sure... i just dont wanna get shot or locked up...

im just really hopeless i guess, i dont think i have ever been stable