Yesterday T taught me about "the observing self".

Think we also talked about my fear that she finds me disgusting. I managed to tell her I've various kinds of transference feelings and so I feel my feelings for her are disgusting and that she would be disgusted. Towards the end of the session, I managed to say I've romantic and erotic feelings too, and I'm terrified she'd be homophobic. She went on about how nothing will happen between us and I stopped her. I told her I know that already, that boundaries are to keep therapy safe and I'm know these feelings are transference from unmet emotional needs during my formative years.

She asked what could she say to show me she's indeed not homophobic, and I told her this is my own internalised homophobia because she's been perfectly accepting of me.

We decided that we'll have to discuss my transference feelings next session, as we've not talked about them and my thoughts that my feelings are disgusting is indeed hindering me in opening up, feeling safe etc.