For those of you following my story, over the last month my home life has had a major implosion. Things seem to be stabilizing some and we are looking at starting couple's counseling. The net result of this has been a significant redirection of my attention away from PC (which I miss) and a shutting down of the parts work in my therapy. I hope to return to this work in the future (hopefully not too far out) as I feel it was making a big difference.

Another rush to get there and use the bathroom, push the button with only a few minutes. I got out my folder, I miss my notebook. You came out to get me and we headed back. You were talking about the light and forgetting to turn it off.

I wonder if I should ask you if there is someone after me today – I decide not to ask. I will try to be better about leaving on time. It’s hard to leave. I try, I really do try to leave on time. I don’t need to see you more than I do for my stability. I like the time I spend with you, mostly. There are those times that are really hard, still though I can acknowledge they are not you and you do a good job helping me through those tough sessions.

I ask you how you are and how your weekend went. You said good to both. I said my weekend was better than the previous one; however, it was not very productive. I talked about my eating and drinking, then about binge watching 13 reasons why. You asked me what I thought of the show. I said how I didn’t like it from the stand point of showing that everyone has problems and I shouldn’t need help for mine, I should just… you completed my though with toughen up, man up... type of statements. I said yes. I said I felt sorry for the main boy, the one listening to the tapes. I talked about the one comment that the Tony character said about this being Hannah’s truth and that might not be Clay’s truth. I didn’t talk about the suicide part of it. What did I think of the suicide? I think Hannah was in a lot of pain. I was surprised that the school counselor was not more trained/educated than he was. I don’t think Hannah really reached out for help – I did. She was a kid, but she didn’t tell her parents any of what was happening, she didn’t confide in Tony, someone she seemed to trust with her story, or really anyone. She did go to the school counselor, and maybe they should be more trained. In the end though, I do believe she had the right to self-terminate. I believe in self-determination here. The concept of leaving the 13 tapes and passing them around… that is an interesting concept. I am not sure I believe it was an appropriate action. It was almost an act of bullying in and of itself. Anyway… the session continued…

I said that there was a list of topics in last session’s notes; you said yes you saw that. I said I didn’t have a copy of it but had a list I’d written up. I looked at the list and decided to talk about trust/lying around Wife. We talked about this for a little while. I brought up the information regarding the couple’s counselor. You didn’t have a lot to say here, and really neither did I.

I told you how Wife and I seemed to be struggling with connecting when we are talking. I told you about Sat, I had gotten up on Sat and went for my walk. I walked to Lowes rather than my usual path and it took longer than expected. By time I got home I was in a Meh mood. Wife wanted to make sure she left me in better space than the previous weekend so we talked. Through that conversation it felt like we were talking in circles and I didn’t have the energy for it. Then she made the comment about how feelings change as more information comes in, moment by moment. I stopped her there and said how that is why previous Thursday when she said that she was in it at the moment it caused problems because in a second it would be a new moment and she might not be in it (meaning the relationship). This clicked for her and she clarified that when she said in the moment, she meant that in that moment she had a handle on her own internal voices and issues – not weather she was in the relationship or not. This helped me have a better weekend, I think.

We started talking about how this whole thing with Wife is all what I am working on – the it’s ok to have wants, it’s ok to place my wants above another person’s wants, that having my wants met doesn’t mean someone will leave me. I’m not so sure about this. We talked about how 19 yrs is a long time for Wife to be used to things going one way and how me changing, no matter how much Wife says she wants me to have friends, she wants me to have my wants met, and stuff, the change in not getting her wants met could lead to the concept of me not loving her anymore because of me choosing my wants over hers.

I moved the conversation to touch. I started out saying that I wanted to talk about touch. I talked about it in terms of my relationship with Wife. I told you about how before your vacation there was a short period of time where Wife and I were… then I stuttered out … and paused, then you did some nonverbal communication that lead me to think that you understood where I was going with this. I continued by saying intimate, physically intimate several times. That things were good during that time period then your vacation came and I struggled. I talked more about this to let you know that Wife had come to think that I was out of everything and was more… and you said something that let me know that you understood that this is where the stability/instability started in Wife’s mind. I said that since then, I haven’t wanted to be touched or to touch in an adult way (sexual way). That my mind just isn’t going there. What I couldn’t say/didn’t say was how I wanted touch from mommy and you are that person to me – that Wife could not be mommy; she’s wife. Ultimately, I guess I’ll get to the place where I’ll want that type of touch but it won’t have to be from mommy to feel safe, to feel protected and loved (see here not protected, loved… but protected and loved as one thing together – a German word I’m sure exists to describe the feeling but it’s not just protected and not just loved). I said something, and you said it made sense that I wasn’t wanting that type of touch – that a 3rd grader just doesn’t even think in those terms. And you said something about the faucet being wide open. I said yes.

Eventually I said something about wanting to see if more touch could happen in session. You asked me something about this – like what would it look like. I smiled because however you phrased it was how I phrased it in my journal that I gave you today. I talked about the taking hand and leading. I said I’ve written about this and you nodded/said something that let me know that you knew what I was saying. I said that either you lead or me lead. Sometimes, I want you to lead, taking care of me, guiding me, keeping me safe through a journey, taking me to a safe space. Other times, I want to lead in that I’m all excited and I want you to come see, I want to show you something, I want you to come play with me. You said you’d think on it. I understand your reasoning and accepted your answer. Later I realized how much I felt like there was a level of power to this situation. Something to talk about at some point, you get to decide if you think it will be helpful or hurtful and I don’t have much in recourse or counter argument that I can do.

Somewhere in here I talked about what I had written a few weeks ago about growing up. I shared that I felt like I had been on the verge of something because of the shift from telling you not to push me to grow up – something that I’d been very adamant about to being excited about the prospect of growing up. I told you how I was thinking that “when I’m a big kid I get to do….”, “I’m not a big kid yet”, “when I get there I can do …” and how that was exciting. I also talked about how being in that head space it felt very weird to be crossing the road alone. I even went through the steps as adults/parents teach their kids to cross the road, the statements of looking and waiting and checking running through my head – all as if I don’t walk this path daily and cross the roads without thought. I don’t recall you commenting much during this period.

My alarm on my watch went off. Time was up. I quickly showed you the pictures. I showed you a picture of the note my mother sent me when I was in college and it was final exam time. The note started out strong (and you commented that it did) and ended with something that felt like a jab or threat. You asked me how it felt, and I said that I didn’t remember how it felt at the time but in reading it when I found it over the weekend, I thought… ‘geez, thanks mom’. I said how between things like this and my dad’s jokes, how these seeds get planted and they start growing and so on. I said how the many little instances like this add up.

I showed you the pictures of the sidewalk and told you about how I ended up finding them. You thought it was … yea, the universe talking or something… so did I. I jokingly said… that I thought “did Dr. S. come and do this”. You said you didn’t, I know you didn’t. Heck just the sheer fate of it all, if you can believe in that… this could almost get me to believe in fate or something because it was just too apropos for me. You were glad I took pictures of it and shared them with you.

I then showed you some art work that other people had shared with me. I tried to explain why I liked the first one. It’s so hard for me to describe why I like something sometimes. Sometimes it just is that it brings me peace, internal calmness. I went to show you the other one and I told you that this one reminds me of the dream. You asked about the one from the phone call. I said yeah, the one we don’t talk about. You said we didn’t have to talk about it. I showed you the picture – and you said the blood. I said yes and that was all that was talked about with it. I took the pictures back and folded them up into the journal. You said that you were glad/happy that I included a copy of the picture of the younger me in the mix.

I sat there debating with myself on say the ‘I love you’ or not. It wasn’t flowing from me; however, I had been thinking of doing it as part of a ritual to keep things connected to you. I finally said it and you said I know. Then you said that it was more than ok. I think I said the ‘I miss you’ and you replied ‘I know’. I finally headed out and you said something about having a good/safe walk home. I told you about going to the meet up, I couldn’t remember the name of the actual presentation - Neurobiology of Emotional Body Language with Brain and Cognitive Science Seminar.

I left session and walked to the meet up. Wife was supposed to meet me at the meet up but was running behind and discussed with me that she could stay home and put away her camp gear or go to the meet up. She thought I would be happier with her camp gear put away than for her to come to the meet up so that is what she did.