This is probably another one of my threads in this forum which is too complicated and unrelatable to respond to, but here goes...

I've come to realize that I feel anxious, threatened, turned off even if my SO takes the lead and comes on to me sexually. I'm much more turned on if I have to seduce him and beg for it. My first major sexual experience was like that; I had to beg for anything to happen. Other sexual experiences felt like I just gave in or didn't understand what was happening and so just went along with it even though I didn't really want to. I just don't know why I don't like having someone actually attracted to me. I guess it's just weird to me.

Another thing that makes me anxious is being asked what I want. Just do whatever you want. I'm not going to do well with open ended questions because I don't know what the correct answer is or could be.

I feel like I just want to give and never receive. Then there's no pressure and I can actually have an orgasm on my own. Also going back to my first major experience, I couldn't orgasm and I felt AWFUL. This was someone experienced who spent a long time, adjusted what he was doing, and I didn't really have to reciprocate much. Maybe I had just drank too much, who knows? The point is I just couldn't do it.

And now I'm with someone who's gotten everyone else he's ever been with to orgasm within a few weeks and we've been together about 3 years and I just can't.

It feels like my needs almost never get met (and I don't think they ever could with one person anyway, especially since I'm relatively inexperienced) and since I think and obsess about sex (always have) I always feel like I'm at risk to cheat on him.

What am I supposed to do? I've wanted to go to a sex therapist for years, but I'd be going by myself (I guess it's just embarrassing to admit that he's had sex before marriage...who knows) and I'm not sure if I can afford one. Plus they're all an hour away unless I try an online one.

I just want to stop obsessing about sex (that's almost all I think about all day), actually be able to enjoy it on a regular basis, and not be so terrified and nervous about it. Can anyone relate? Is there anything else I can do until therapy becomes more realistic? Did my early experiences really ruin sex for me for the rest of my life? Does my preoccupation with sex (which goes back long before any experience) and being too anxious to actually do anything in real life ruin everything? Could I possibly be an addict (think about it all the time, have watched a LOT of porn over my life time, having to fight back the urge to be attracted to other people-there's no threat of me doing anything even if my SO approved because I'm too anxious) and have intimacy issues?