This is a good article to read and think about. It is universal in that often when one struggles and they need validation, they end up getting the wrong messages that only make them struggle even more. Even to the point where they can feel the way you are describing. I am sure a lot of members can relate to how you are feeling, I have felt that way myself, so this is something a lot of people can experience in their lives.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...Psych+Central+

I can see and respect that you "are" trying Mr. Stranger despite all the negative messages you have gotten that happen to go all the way back for you. I know that your going back home has turned into dealing with things that caused your challenges to begin with, that can be extremely hard for anyone.

The truth about human beings in general is that all human beings want to be "useful", and this is what makes them so malleable to going along with a group mentality that can actually be toxic. All human beings are vulnerable when it comes to this.

I think you keep looking at a picture of what you want and you continue to feel bad about yourself because you struggle to "have the picture". However, a lot of people who get the picture are not as happy, content and fulfilled like they seem to need to present themselves as being either.

What has helped me see this "fact" is spending time watching documentaries of a lot of different people that looked like they had it all, success, beauty, popularity, idolized by many. Yet, in reality these individuals were in fact often very unhappy and often "lost" too. Many of them could not keep up with their own "image". All the greats have talked about that.

I also got to see this in a neighborhood I lived in. This neighborhood "looked" appealing and it "looked" like all the people living in it "had it together", but that was NOT really how it was. There were about 12 homes in that neighborhood that was built on a quiet cul-de-sac. All young married couples that "looked" like they were all "useful" and successful at it. That was not the truth and that slowly began to show up with two suicides and problems with alcohol, and divorces. My home was not "perfect" either because I was struggling with a husband who was a binge alcoholic and I did not know what that was but it definitely reeked havoc with my life and happiness. So most of the individuals in that neighborhood had an image and most of them failed to keep that image up. And as I mentioned, a lot of those individuals ended up breaking up too.

So, it's important to remember that lots of people present these images but often the image they do present is not a reflection of their true reality.