Welcome to PC! I am sorry you are experiencing some issues right now. You will find this community supportive and with a lot of wise people experiencing similar struggles.

I get all of these kind of things. I often wonder about people dying or myself dying too.

I honestly stay in hypomania most of the time and it kind of elevates to mania and peaks to where I am agitated and irritable. Then I crash into depression.

I spend time in a relatively mild depression for several weeks at a time.

Sometimes I have periods of baseline or flat affect too.

Before my child I was doing really well on an anti-seizure med and a low dose of AD. But obviously I went off my medication while pregnant.

So now I am at square one or two now in finding the correct cocktail, we all change and have different needs throughout life. I made it a long time postpartum before I realized I was ascending to mania again and am currently just on the epilepsy med. I am not sure if an AD is in my future or not.

In my case, I consider my depressions and manias episodes of which I get the dubious pleasure of "enjoying" probably 6 times a year. However, everyone's journey through wherever they are on the spectrum is unique.

If every person here were to relate their story to you, you would get just as many unique descriptions.