Quote:
Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I think a lot of queer people go through times of feeling disgusting. It would probably be impossible not to absorb some of that, growing up in a homophobic culture. I'm glad you can recognize the internalized homophobia because that's key to not falling prey to those feelings. I was able to shed a lot of it with an LGBT-affirming (and gay herself) therapist, but I sometimes still struggle a bit in intimate relationships with straight women.
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I don't think I went through much internalized homophobia as I went through my coming out. Internally it actually helped me understand lots of things about myself. I did fear my parent's rejection.
I do think there is/was/is a level of transphobia inside me in the sense that I think people might think I am disgusting and won't want to touch me or be touched by me.
Most the time though, that is far in the back of my mind. And here I still fear my parent's rejection and have not shared with them the extent of my journey nor my true gender. I don't hide it, we just go on the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.
Going through my therapy, I realized how much anger I felt towards the adults in my world for not explaining to me my sexuality and gender when everything was very confusing for me (puberty). I was just a kid, weren't they there to help me understand? And I'd justify their behaviors because of the geography and the time. I grew up in a small town, in the 70's. LGBT kids were sent to conversion therapy or to mental illness facilities during that time period. So, as I grew and understood myself, I tried to dismissed my feelings and absolved them of their behaviors. This did not allow me to feel the anger and hurt that the situation caused me.
I had all these feelings that didn't fit the body I was given. I kept trying to make myself be like other girls, to fit this body; it didn't work and it left lots of scars around my sexuality and gender.
In the end, I came to realize that I can't go back and make it what it should have been, I can't change what it was to what I wished it would have been... and yeah, I was not supported or guided through the process. That is my truth through that time period in my life and it is ok to feel that way.
QM, I'm sorry that you struggle with this part of yourself. I have heard of many others struggling, so though my story is different than yours, I know of many that have had to struggle with internal homophobia. That doesn't make it less of a struggle for you. Feel free to PM me at anytime if you want to talk offline about this more. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know.