Let me first bring you up to date. I presented the phone-grabbing words exactly as written above, in a purely neutral way. And once again, she said, I'm sorry you feel that way. I said, that makes me feel like you think you didn't grab the phone at all and are are innocent of everything I'm saying. She said, I know I grabbed the phone.

I didn't say this because I didn't think of it, but I should have said, If that's the case, you should have said, I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Which would mean she would share the responsibility instead of heaping it all on me. But she did't say that.

At a certain point, I asked her to imagine if the situation was reversed, how would she feel if all I said was, I'm sorry you feel that way. She did not like this question and began saying, it feel like you are interrogating me. I said, What are the words you'd most like to hear if the situation were reversed? This stymied her. She looked perplexed. I said, what you would want is for me to wrap you up in my arms and tell you that everything is okay, baby, there's nothing going to harm you or disturb you on that phone.

Then up came the dic pic thing and it all went downhill from there, with her repeating her line about thinking it was a game and she was naive and me saying, that's an impossible stance to take if you read what you actually wrote on the train. At some point, I said, I can't be with someone who I love but can't trust. She said, so you're breaking up with me? I said yes. And then she started sobbing, saying, she didn't know what was going on right now, how could things turn so bad so quickly, i'm confused.

I had to drive her to the airport an hour away. Most of the hour was spent with her sobbing and me driving silent and stone faced. One minute from the terminal, I pulled over so she could get herself together. I said once again, I love you but I can't be with you if you're lying. She said, but I'm not, I love you, too, but you won't believe anything I say. I said, only if it rings false. Back and forth we went, and everything got calmer and more considered and it ended with her saying, Would you like to have me change my flight and stay another day? And so, five minutes later, she'd changed her flight, hopped back in my car, and off we drove, more in love than ever. I told her we still needed to talk about trust and stuff. She said, Oh, tonight? I said, not tonight, tomorrow.

Well, tomorrow came and she had several things to do, including shopping for gifty sweatshirts, that ate up all the time we had before we once again had to head to the airport. It's like what she'd said the evening before never existed. Halfway to the airport, I finally said, we have 45 minutes; I'd like to talk about last evening and the trust issue. She said, but we already did. I said, when? She said, yesterday, right before I went and changed my ticket to stay another night. I groaned inwardly and more or less gave in. It was either that or try to get her to see what she was doing with very little time to get the trust convo out of the way.

She calls herself a Very Sensitive Person, highly empathetic and an actual empath. Well, maybe, but she's not an empath with me. She has no ability or willingness to step into my shoes and feel what I'm feeling and see what i'm seeing, etc. The more I think about her, the more I think she has to have very little self-awareness despite claims to the contrary.

So, we left it at that, with the two of us professing undying eternal love, each for the other, at the drop off location.

Everything happened so fast that my head is still spinning. I have tried to break up with her about ten times since we met. She has not once even remotely thought about letting me go. I said to her once, why, why won't you let me go? She said, Because I love you. And that's as deep as it went, whereas I gots to think that some other dynamic -- perhaps even a personality disorder -- is at play here too.

Would I believe her if she said there was nothing on her phone for me to worry about? Well, after my little bit of coaching, she did say that. And I believed her for a full day, mainly because I wanted to. In the evening, I had to admit to myself that I didn't believe her and I really don't.

So, what am I doing right now? I'm packing up the phone grabbing incident and the pic episode and putting them in a box that I am going to tape up with Duct Tape after I encase the box with sheets of lead. IOW, I am going to try to step around all the obvious fabrications and start anew. I'm crazy to do it, but that's what I'm doing, so we can stay together.

Gawd.

One thing I need to do is ask her if at any time in her life a psychiatrist diagnosed her and, if so, what that diagnose was. She asked me that question once and I answered with the truth. No. Except for my current dr.
Anyway, there's something weird and ethereal and off-slant about this girl that I can't exactly put my finger on. But, yeah, I do love the loving part of her, which is glorious and all she really wants me ever to see. I only see other sides when I snoop or when she does something like grab her phone.

Good golly, man. I do believe if I stick with her, it's going to be the wildest and woolliest ride of my life, up the roller coaster to the top, only to plummet down into the depths.

I guess I know I'm doing the wrong thing but so far I've lacked the courage and tenacity to do the right thing.

Thoughts?
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