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Originally Posted by elevatedsoul
i haven't been researching anything...
haven't really been doing anything besides keeping myself super distracted from the mental illness and all the symptoms
but i find myself obsessed with getting high because its like the only coping mechanism i fall back on... i shake my legs alot, fidget, rock... i pace and walk around... i try to do activities like working on things... but the feelings/symptoms are always there which fuels the obsessive thoughts which just makes it harder for me with the addictions and fighting the obsessive thoughts...
i've been practicing extreme avoidance i guess, burying emotions and feelings, stuffing pain down, hiding feelings, masking myself, pretending, or whatever you call it... not really on purpose, but just like i've given up - i dont have any hope left, i dont see any way out .. so i am just trying to keep this fragile house of cards from falling... the only way i know how, but i know its going to implode, i am not a fool... i dont know when, i feel it getting worse, i know that i cant sustain - even if i was sober... i just dont know what i am going to do or what to do anymore, i've lost all control if i ever had any control which i dont think i have ever had any control over these symptoms or my situation...
im just really tired, i want things to change and to be different but i cant change it
i dont like to get in this space and think about it because it makes me feel suicidal... i dont want to go through this anymore, but ill step away and ill walk into it, my mouth opens and words come out and the actions follow and im just along for the ride anymore...
i can't believe the way i have been behaving, im not my self... but maybe its for the better
know i was failing to function the way i was behaving thats for sure... i just dont wanna get shot or locked up...
im just really hopeless i guess, i dont think i have ever been stable
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I have felt like this my whole life. The alcohol numbed me up so I ignored the suicidal emotions. It was the isolation that caused most of my emotional instability. My mental health problems made it extremely hard to develop relationships. I could not stay grounded because of the total isolation in life. When I started trying to get help from mental health professionals in 1992, I desperately needed them to understand and give me some support. I never found one that truly knew how to help someone like me.
When Dad died and left my mentally ill Mom alone I was not prepared for it. I could not help her because she caused my mental health problems and she triggered extreme emotional pain in me. This caused the dissociative symptoms to exhibit more often. I started to get more and more afraid/paranoid and began to mentally collapse.
I needed the mental health providers to get me into group therapy with other people who had borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorder to stop the isolation. None of the psychologists or psychiatrists that I paid did this for me.