So,I've been in therapy and medication for a while. My brain is now fighting it, telling me that I'm better, even though i still hate myself, self harm, and starve myself (even though I'm not working on that). I know that this "better" me is just a stupid mask, but I just....I'm fighting waves of resistance towards medication and therapy that i fought so hard to get when i was in high school. I'm back in college, and I have this happy demeanor that everyone likes and I can't be myself around anyone anymore. I'm almost in tears right now, but I feel as if I can only be myself when I'm all alone, and now that I've got a room mate, I have to keep that happy and bubbly persona up 24/7 and I hate it. I hate that I can't just relax and be myself in my own dorm. My room mate is sweet, but I feel high strung and anxious around her all the time because she's an international student and I don't want to be that one asshole that ruins the states for her, even though everyone else says I couldn't. I just...I feel like I'm falling apart, but I have to keep up a front so people don't see that I am falling apart. I have no idea what I'm trying to get at, I just need help. I just don't want to go to therapy anymore or take medications, but I also know that it'll help. I also feel as if i don't deserve the medication and therapy now that I'm not "as sick" or "sick enough" and ughhhh.

I don't know what to do.