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I think you've described it pretty well already. Something like "I have constant opposing feelings about engaging in therapy. I want closeness, but then I push away" seems clear enough.
For me, "ambivalence" is a useful term. I feel ambivalent about discussing difficult topics in therapy - part of me wants to, part of me doesn't.
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"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of their marvels." - Francisco de Goya
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