I play out entire scenarios when day dreaming. I visualize tragedies, nothing that I am doing but just horrible things happening to myself and other people and on very, very rare occasions, good things, though they're a bit twisted.

My poor daughter grew up in fear of venturing out of the house because of the strong doom emotions/imagination that I had. She'd often tell me that because I see it, I think its going to happen, it will not happen, that it was the way that I was thinking. She'd say "try thinking of good things happening instead, and she assured when leaving the house by saying "I know your concern is for my safety and I will be careful and cautious, and I will call you ..okay mom". She was the first to recognize that I was bipolar.

What makes this even more difficult for me, is that, the things I imagine happening both in my daydreams and dreams actually ended up happening. I thought I had a gift so to speak and slowly realizing if it were a gift, why not seeing good things happening as well and more often than the bad? I have done/experienced this for as long as I can remember. My mom once told me that she would kill me if I dreamed one more bad dream about my siblings or other family members. I quickly learned to keep them to myself.

I use to think of myself as some sort of monster for the thoughts, (so as a man thinketh, so is his heart) but I am not a monster. Because of talk therapy and working on other issues, mainly my perception, now I tell myself that it is part of my illness, part of my paranoia perhaps.

Thank you for this. Your braveness to share this here at PC has encouraged me to talk to my therapist about it. I hope you feel better about yourself and if you are in talk therapy, perhaps you should mention it to your therapist. You are not alone.

Best wishes