Yes, I get the push-and-pull of wanting to be close to anyone, let alone my last therapist (female).

I wanted her to care about me, the way I cared for her. I have fearful avoidant tendencies, so it's usually a push/pull kinda thang for me. One of the first things I heard from a new-turned-former therapist is that wanted the type of connection, along with forming a deep attachment, to a therapist is a bit of an avoidant tendency in that you desire connection with someone who cannot reciprocate it. This has been a habit of mine, choosing emotionally unavailable people, even if by profession. It keeps me "safe" from having a true connection, as there are defined boundaries and the t has been trained to remain detached.

I find it much easier to open up to someone I am NOT attached to, because once I form an attachment, they are much more capable of hurting me or using my feelings against me.

And then there's the behavior and actions of the therapist that factor in to how "open" I can be. So, I completely empathize with you. My preference is to remain detached while doing this very painful work and limit attachments to those might be able to meet my emotional needs.