So obvious trigger warning for this post.

Yesterday in my session with T I finally told her about my suicidal thoughts. T was talking about how there is something blocking me for exploring my feelings and understanding myself more and I told that I think that a big reason for that is because whenever I try to figure a way out of my current situation I get too overwhelmed and can't think of a solution so my brain is just like "maybe you should just kill yourself". I know that is a terrible option and I don't think I really want to die and yet this thought pops into my head on a daily basis. T was very understanding about it all and said that I have never really had a safe place to explore myself so instead of it happening gradually over two and half decades its all happening at once which would be very overwhelming.

This whole conversation took place about 10 mins before the end of the session so there is still a lot more to discuss. T asked if I felt safe finishing there and continuing next week. I said yes which is true, I am not in any danger to myself but I just feel so unsettled and needy now. Like I really want to email T but I have no idea what I actually want from her and she doesn't really encourage emailing between session anyway.