Ah, but people are less judgmental here because we are all here for similar reasons. It's much easier to be compassionate and understanding when you have walked a mile in those particular moccasins. It was horrible to have to admit to this even here, but I'm willing to bet there is someone out there reading who also struggles with it.

On the other hand, I don't trust that "normal" people will even begin to comprehend this, and I don't want to get into it and have to feel like a freak and a head case. And really, I told the bare bones here -- if I told you the whole story with details, I'm still not convinced even you wouldn't see me as a freak and a nutjob. It is pretty freaking weird stuff and I hate that it even ever crosses my mind. I hate being such a crazy mess and I hate that I have to live with it, and even admitting to the tiniest amount here just makes me feel like I really should be locked up for this shite and kept away from "polite society." You know? I mean, I know there are varying degrees of "normal,' but no matter how you cut it (so to speak), this isn't normal, and I hate myself for being nuts enough to even consider it, much less do it.

Which is way more than you asked for, but I do appreciate your support. I just feel like I should apologize to all the folks who think I am so well recovered and have it so together for disappointing them. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain....he's a fraud, and so am I.