I don't know if this comes under anxiety, if it's a form of ocd or social anxiety, or if it's something else entirely so I wasn't sure where to post it!

I'm obsessed with the notion of living authentically and being true to myself. I think it's because a lot of the things I see on social media (like Facebook!) seem so inauthentic. With everyone sharing what they want people to see, their highlights, rather than the truth. Although I think it's nice to see the positive things in people's life and I still look. It seems very one sided, and It also makes me feel a bit rubbish about my own life. Although there are loads of positives, I'm going through my own battles and it makes me feel more secluded than ever. Yet I know in my heart that some of these people may be having similar, if not worse, problems than me!

Another reason is I think I've got some of it from family. Some family members have always criticised me for some of my personality traits. Particularly being sensitive or taking things to heart too much. They say I need to toughen up. I know I'm sensitive but am starting to think it's not such a bad thing, but I can't really help being like it and I can't change it. As well as this, my family always have 'gone with the flow' when making decisions. I think they have inadvertently taught me that it's more important to go with what other people want rather than myself. I don't feel like I should say my opinion.

Through these things I suppose I've started to not feel good enough. I analyse everything I say to try and be liked and give the response I think other people want from me. The problem is is I feel so fake. I feel inauthentic and it's really upsetting me.

Another issue is that I'm not only struggling with this in real life, but I'm absolutely obsessed with finding out how to be authentic. I spend hours Googling it. It relieves the anxiety for a little while, but then I forget what I've read! I don't know. Maybe it sounds daft, but I'm really struggling with it.

I'm due for some therapy soon however this is for contamination ocd, I do think it's the same core issues that cause the ocd too so I'm hoping I can deal with them in the therapy.

It's weird. I forget about it when I'm with certain people. When im with my partner I barely even think about it. I feel I can just be authentic with him but I can't be myself with my parents or people from uni or anything like that. When I'm not with my partner (and we are communicating via text!) I'm more worried about being myself and analyse what I'm writing all the time.

Another thing I worry about is being happy. Sometimes it feels inauthentic to be happy when at the moment i don't feel so happy. But at the same time I want to enjoy life and don't want to walk around miserable.

I just don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it. One website I read said that rather than trying to be authentic, try to notice when you're being inauthentic, as authenticity is not adding something to yourself but taking away things that aren't real. I quite liked this idea, and It helps with things like saying my opinion and telling the truth about certain things, but doesn't help with the happy/not happy conundrum.

I just want to be real but I feel so lost. Has anyone else felt like this?? I go through periods where it's really bad and now is one of them.

Thanks for reading
Xxx