Not session, but phone call that I'd requested. (This will make up for my short IST post earlier this week!) MC called while I was sitting on the couch with H watching TV. H was like, "Go ahead and take it," as I said "I'll explain later!"

Went into the office and closed the door. MC (who was obviously driving) asked how I was doing, and I said OK and thanked him for calling and apologized for sending a rather harsh e-mail about not hearing from him since Monday. He said he was sorry if I felt abandoned, that it had been a really hectic week. I said it was also because of the topic, that it felt more like rejection because of the transference. But he said that as he's said before, it's always OK for me to e-mail, etc., but he can't guarantee how quickly he can reply. I said I knew that, but it just would have been good if he'd sent *something* responding to the texts, even just "Sorry, really busy, will get back to you when I can." He seemed to understand that.

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said transference stuff, but I didn't know if I felt comfortable going into all of it right then. MC said I could talk about whatever I wanted. I said I guessed I could sort of talk about it. That I felt OK about the paternal stuff, but the other aspects worried me some, though it was hard for me to say why. Like, they seemed inappropriate.

He said (as he's said before) that how he is in session is not how he is in his real life. I said I knew that, how it would probably be exhausting to be like that all the time and would probably be really annoying to his family. He agreed, saying that it also wouldn't be healthy. He said in therapy, it's a unique relationship because it's all about the client and their thoughts and feelings. It's set up that way. And that it can be rather seductive in that way, because here is someone who will just sit there and focus on you and listen.

I said I'd talked to T about it Wed. and was wondering if it was possible that it (the erotic/romantic stuff) was all sort of a manifestation of the paternal transference. Like it got sort of jumbled up in my head. And also, what fantasies would I have regarding paternal transference? Him pushing me on a swing? Reading a story to me? Or holding me, but that's also one of the weird areas, where is it paternal or something else?

He said he guessed the swing and book thoughts made sense. But that there's often some overlap between paternal and romantic feelings. Mentioned the whole Oedipal thing that he'd talked about before. He said when you're a kid, it's typical to idealize your parents. And that can translate later to who you're attracted to, like people realizing "I married my mother," stuff like that. I said, "Could it also be about an idealized version of the parent, like what you wanted but didn't quite get?" And MC said, "Certainly." I said maybe that's what's going on here. And if so then maybe I'd feel OK talking about it a bit in session (like with H), if he could help explain how it's still mostly a paternal thing. He seemed open to that but said it was up to me.

He reiterated that there's nothing weird about having both paternal and romantic/erotic feelings for someone (unlike what T has implied!), how it's not incestuous, that it's actually fairly common. That there's nothing wrong with me for having those feelings. That I know his whole thing on feelings and emotions, how we can't control those. That we feel what we feel and there's nothing wrong with that. It's behaviors that we can control. I said I understood that.

He said how everyone experiences lust, that he does, that I do, and that's completely normal. That there's nothing wrong with having those kinds of thoughts. It's only if we act on them that it could be an issue. I said the problem is, I did act on that once (not with MC of course). He said but that was one time out of probably many hundreds of times I had those thoughts. That's not so bad. I said, "Yeah, and I learned from it." He said if it was more like 10% of the time I acted on it, that might be a problem.

I said I wondered if maybe part of why I had those feelings for him was that I knew he was "safe"--that nothing could happen there. He said that made sense.

He went on to say he can't really comment on the Catholic experience (he's Jewish), but he knows they tend to make people feel bad for what are totally normal feelings. I was like, "I'm technically Catholic, though just baptized, never took Communion or anything," and he replied, "Oh, so you get it then." I said maybe I just inherited the guilt part. He said, "You know I'm Jewish, I certainly know about guilt!"

He said he couldn't assign me to do Hail Marys, but he could tell me to eat chicken soup. I said, "Don't you mean matzoh ball soup?" and he said yeah. I was like, "I'd rather do the Hail Marys!" He replied, "Matzoh ball soup is good! Do you want to hear my explanation of why matzoh balls should be dense vs. chewy (or something like that)?" I said, "Not particularly," and he replied, "You made the right choice!"

We talked more about working through transference stuff. I said how T said I was trying to get to the bottom of the feelings, that I seemed to believe it would give me some answers about myself. MC said it's not that simple. Because that's thinking with logic, and that's not the language of emotions. That I probably can't think my way out of this one. That it's more about feelings.

He said working through transference can be about the relationship, about experiencing the feelings and the fear of abandonment or rejection, but then having it turn out to be OK. Being able to handle those strong feelings. I said I didn't feel like I did the best job of handling them this week, with all the texts, hurt/angry e-mail, but he said I did handle them. I said I guessed that expressing anger and hurt toward him was also part of the process, and then having it be OK, and he agreed. He said how that's more what working through transference is about, going through the feelings, rather than figuring it out with logic.

I said I'd have to go in a minute since it was my D's bedtime, so I'd have to read to her and then have her kick me out of the room, so she could read by herself. He said that was how it's supposed to be (I guess her being independent).

I said really quickly I wanted to share how I did on the GREs. He was surprised that I'd already have results, but you can get them for 2 of 3 sections if you take it electronically. He congratulated me multiple times, which felt nice (see: paternal transference).

I thanked him for calling and said the conversation helped. He said he was glad and that I needed to keep in mind one thing. I said, "What?" He replied, "That I don't know anything." I said, "Oh, I already knew that!" He laughed and said, "That's the right answer!" He said, "See you...Wednesday, right?" I said yes. He said "Take care," I said "Thanks again--you, too." Felt much better after that...