thanks...

i know i shouldn't be doing what i do, it didn't used to cause problems for me in the past but its gotten worse lately and is causing problems for me now i know probably because of how i am feeling...

i do know how they are made... and i do know the effects...

i know what you are sayin too, amanda

i just can't help myself right now, im broken, beaten and battered

i would like to be sober and happy, but its not possible... i dont know how people do it, i hate my life, i hate my feelings, i hate my symptoms, i hate going through all of this but i think i just ran out of fight.. i just want to be numb and not experience the bad things, i can be someone different, i dont have to be in control i have found out...
i can let go and life can go on without me, the person that emerges is happier.. seems more confident.. although kind of crazy... but it seems to be ok because im getting along with people and havent gotten hurt, its just painful later because i end up thinking about my behaviors and how its just not me and feeling embarrassed...

but atleast im not in bed crying and cutting myself you know? that has to be better right? going out and socializing... not having anxiety or severe depression... but im not really all the way connected to the world..

couple people keep saying they are going to put me in the hospital though, but i dont see how they can put me in the hospital if i am not a threat to myself or anyone...