When I was rather little, I was rather athletic and exceptionally tomboyish. In fact, prior to my birth, my parents expected me to be born a male. Back when I did dedicate my time to sports, I exhibited a highly aggressive and competitive personality, which ultimately resulted in an aversion for sports later on (since it proved stressful). As I aged, however, I lost interest in sports and preoccupied myself with time on the internet -- MMORPGs in particular. The younger part of my life, gender never really crossed my mind at all, with the exception of my tomboyish personality. However, eventually I began creating predominantly male characters and avatars, and to this date, I virtually never reveal my biological sex while online. Attempting to reveal it to anyone or anywhere with anonymity simply seems so incredibly foreign, as though it is fundamentally defying my personality to state it. Of course in reality, it is rather evident, so there is little use concealing it then.

Within the past few years or so, I have developed an overwhelming desire to change. My entire life, my mother has always expected me to be a "proper woman", yet there is nothing I dread more than being a woman at all, since it feels so incredibly incompatible. I utterly refused to wear makeup (except the few occasions that she requires me to against my own will), and my wardrobe consists of nothing but mere dresses, since we lack the proper funding for new clothing -- it has been years since I have been shopping for clothes, and even then, I can never seem to find any dress pants in the stores we visit. It is sickening, really. I loathe the makeup, the dresses, the long hair, and the absolutely idiotic "girls' night out" events that I have had to attend. For once I simply wish to dress in vests and bowties, not skirts and low-cut tops; to cut my hair slightly shorter without being mocked my my mother and family friends; to speak in a lower pitch; and to not deal with the horrid hygiene problems which arise from my biological sex.

There exists a gridlock of dilemmas, really: I was raised in a conservative household, and while a great deal of my political beliefs do remain quite conservative to this date (economically in particular), my social alignments are primarily libertarian. While my father may prove somewhat accepting of such a revelation, my mother would reject it altogether, even though I have never been fond of identity politics myself. When I was approximately fifteen, I revealed to my mother that I was asexual, but she immediately denounced it without a second thought, even though asexuality is not even contradictory to strict Christian doctrines. She condemns anyone who is transgender, even if they do legitimately suffer from properly-diagnosed gender dysphoria. Furthermore, in addition to the dilemma with my mother, I was pressured into a relationship while in high school with a man. At the time, I merely accepted a relationship (entirely non-sexual and remains that way to this date) to avoid blowing him off, but I simply could not bring myself to reject him, since he suffered from depression at the time (after politely rejecting several other men). However, over the years, he has grown to become a fond friend of mine, yet he views me as much more than a friend, whereas to me, he is simply a best friend. From the moment I began the relationship, I noted that I was both asexual and aromatic, and frankly, the hugging and handholding is driving me over the edge. He has already stated that he intends to propose to me, but I have never desired such an intimate relationship with anyone. Simply rejecting someone in such a manner seems rather inhumane in my eyes, especially after being a dear friend of his for quite some time.

This has been bothering me for some time now, though these thoughts have really escalates over the past several months. I wish I could merely move elsewhere and start over entirely as a man, but until I graduate college in a couple of years, I retain no control over my situation. While I do absolutely respect women, it feels sickening to be one myself -- as though my own body is not even mine. If nothing else, I at least desire to be a man, yet circumstance continues to deny me such a possibility. And as a note, I have never been held back or belittled for my gender as a female; it is simply completely foreign and ill-fitting to me is all.

If there are any typos, or if the writing appears rather informal, then I have not proofread it, since it is well past three AM, and I am typing this from a mobile device. It is certainly more casual than I generally prefer to write, but I doubt I could concentrate more efficiently at this time.