need help tonite....really feeling down right now.

Need to cut tonite, don’t understand why such a bad thing feels so good. I don’t get it. I don’t know why I even started. Its like drugs. Its so like drugs.

Euphoria is wonderful. Unfortunately its from bleeding, not from exercise or reading a good book or taking a wonderful nap. For my my euphoria is the feeling of a burn that’s so bad it blisters, or bleeds. Or the feeling of sticking a box cutter in my skin. It’s the feeling that I crave tonite. Hes gotten to me again. AGAIN.

I ran into HIM today. On my way to go out for a bit. then it got cancelled....figures..I cant handle the feeling of him just looking at me, calling me crazy and then walking away. I had bad thoughts in my head.. I just took a xanax because my nerves are shot. I just ran into him, after idol chat, I went off on him, don’t know what happened. But I think I called him about 10 choice names. I think I even called him a child molester. And threatened to call dcfs for fear my nephews were also abused. His wife stood there staring at me. I think I shook things up for him… GOOD

He deserves pain, he deserves a lot of bad things. He deserves to have everybody important to him leave him. He deserves THAT.

He sits there happy with his good life content. And here I sit, angry, upset, and feeling cheap and used. Me and my boxcutter. Just after I made my 30 days without si.. I need to get through this tonite. He sits there with no remorse. And yet I blame ME! What is wrong with me? Am I that dumb? Im sitting here in the dark. Its all I know right now. The dark.
I want to drink so bad but I keep telling myself to not drink because then I definitely WILL cut. I don’t have issues with drinking but if im in a bad mood, it just gets worse.

Theres days like today where the darkness gets to the root of my soul. I feel tortured inside and out. My mind is like mush. I cant break away from this. Hes always going to be there. If not in the moment with me, for sure he will always be in my head. I need a job. I need to feel normal. I need to run away. Husband and I are barely talking. Fighting off and on for the last month. He don’t get any of this. He don’t want to hear any of this. He just doesn’t. I don’t know if its too painful or what. Ive never really talked with him about it. Because I know its bothering him. But its causing duress between us. Because I cant handle the way things are going. And hes just as stressed about everything as well…..things have to get better. They have to. I just don’t think I can deal with this right now. Just don’t. Its amazing how one minute you feel great and the other…well you know how it goes.