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Originally Posted by justafriend306
Vernon, is there a prime trigger to this? Something that kicks off the irritability first, leading you to then feed off the additional irritations?
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It's the situation with this girl, plus my living situation (working on getting out of it.) It's magnified all of my emotions.
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Alongside that I note how I react. The next column I make a list of what are the advantages to me of reacting in such manner(s). Finally, what then are the disadvantages to thinking in such way. This might be enlightening. Do think this might be worth a try?
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The problem is that I no longer care about the consequences of lashing out, because it's all that makes me feel better. I have nothing else. If I'm not lashing out at others, I'm lashing out at myself. Lately, I've been doing both. I've been self-harming again, I've been destroying my house and I've been destroying property belonging to others. I don't want horror movies playing in my house and my roommates sometimes like to watch them. They trigger me, so I poured water all inside of the game systems and DVD player so that they can't do that anymore.
I know that if I carry on like this, things will only get worse. I see my life playing out right now, but I feel powerless. I'm sick of submitting to people! I'm sick of letting people get away with hurting me and trying to turn the other cheek! It just doesn't ****ing work for me! My whole life, I've been trying to understand others! I've been trying to keep my composure! I kept everything inside because I didn't know what else to do other than lash out! Before I was scared of what would happen, but now I'm really starting not to care! My inhibitions are getting weaker and weaker as the days go by, and it actually feels good! It feels freeing!