Well, that was a session. Long post incoming!

After payment, he asked where I wanted to start. I told him I didn't know and wasn't even sure why I was there. He asked about my phone call on Monday. He said there was some ambiguity as to whether I was there to terminate or continue treatment. I said I wasn't even sure yet, that for me it depended on how the session went. So he said that was a good place to start, to figure out what we were doing.

He asked about my feelings (because of course he did). I said I was angry, and he asked me to express the anger. I said that I had written him a letter, but that I didn't think it would be productive to share it. It was 5 handwritten pages of me telling him to go F himself, that he was an a-hole, etc.

So he challenged me to express the anger with out being an a-hole. I said that I felt like he had failed to perform the basic duties of his job. He referred back to my email last weekend and asked if that's what I meant by saying he was dismissive, which he took to mean a lack of empathy. I said no, that he had an ethical obligation to make sure that I was safe and he didn't do that. I told him about sitting in the buildings parking lot after our last session and seriously thinking of harming myself.

He said that he wasn't 100% sure what to do at the end of our last session. He said he could see that I was hurting because of the infertility issues, and that my unwillingness to unequivocally say that I wouldn't harm myself was concerning. But then he said he thought about the session he held me back because he was concerned I would hurt myself and my complete aversion to hospitalization. So he made a judgement call and thought that I would be okay.

I sighed and I said this whole thing was stupid. Who ever wants to be impatient in a psychiatric hospital? That sitting here was a waste of both of our time, and that we were both obviously done. I was ready to leave in that moment.

He said wait, what do you mean we're both done? I told him that he had been an a-hope ever since he had gotten back from his vacation. That he had made it abundantly clear that he had no desire to work with me anymore, as evidenced by our first session back after his vacation.

He said what he remembered about that session was me saying how painful the vacation was, how painful our looming termination was. So he had said that he mentioned my ability to work effectively with other clinicians as a way to reassure me that I could get better.

I told him that was dismissive and that was not what I needed. I was visibly frustrated. As a side note, I noticed that I spent the majority of our session with my body turned away from him. So I was sitting on the couch facing the window of ceiling most of the time.

He said then, obviously frustrated, grasping at straws, "what can I give you, then?"

I said "maybe there isn't anything that you can give me. Maybe this is why we shouldn't work together anymore."

He said, after a pause, that perhaps he should have said nothing in the prior session. That he should have just sat with me in that pain. I said maybe. I was so angry that it was hard for me to see that prior session clearly.

He said that typically anger is a secondary emotion. Was there anything else there? I said pain from rejection. That it hurt me that my experience of our relationship was so different than his. That I thought we had a good rapport, but that obviously I was wrong.

He said that wasn't true. He said that he enjoyed my intellect and my sense of humor. That he also felt that we at one time had a good therapeutic relationship, but recently it had been strained. He said he wished that we had more time to work together, but reaffirmed that he was solid in his decision to be taken off all insurance panels.

I told him about how I had seen his Psychology Today profile and felt that he was being incredibly deceptive by still advertising that he was accepting insurance. He said that he wasn't accepting any new clients and that he was in the process of updating all of the insurance companies. That he was going to do so by September.

He then said that he wanted to talk about pros and cons. I have essentially 3 options:

1. Discontinue therapy
2. Continue therapy with a different clinician.
3. He and I continue on our merry way until 2018.

I said I wanted to remove Option 1 from the table. He said that made him glad. I was going to start with the pros of Option 2 first, but as I was getting ready to start, I had made my decision.

I still discussed pros of both Options 2 and 3. He said that within our relationship, that two realities existed. The reality that there was closeness between us, and that the relationship existed within the confines of professional parameters. He was getting ready to talk about professional boundaries, and I stopped him. "Don't insult my intelligence. Don't patronize me." He said okay, that he was sorry.

He said with about 15 minutes left that he'd like to get me to agree to a session next week, since it didn't sound like we'd arrive at a solid decision by the end of the hour. I said no, I already knew what I wanted to do.

So RoboT and I are riding off into the sunset together. I know that this is going to be incredibly painful. But I can't shake the feeling that if I'm able to work through this with him that there could be some real life benefits on the other side.

He asked how I processed through that thought, just out of curiosity. I said a large part of it was internal.

He asked specifically about H, and I said that I don't discuss these things with him. That he doesn't understand and I feel dismissed by H at times. RoboT asked if H thought I should be in therapy, and I said yes, absolutely, but not with RoboT. H is not a fan. This made him laugh. I said that I think that H is slightly jealous of RoboT because there are things I told RoboT first. He said that made sense.

I don't remember how exactly it came up, but RoboT said around this time in session that he wasn't sure if I'd consider it, but that he thought I could make a good therapist one day. I said I had, but I didn't pursue it since I had to work through my stuff first. He said he agreed; the best therapists are the ones who are aware of their stuff and have dealt with it. I said i appreciated that about him. That he knew what his baggage was and didn't bring it into session often. He replied, "often?" Like he didn't know what I was talking about. I said the self-disclosure. "Oh, right. Of course."

T said hat if I could allow myself to work through whatever I'm projecting onto him that I may likely see the benefit of that in my daily life. He also said that he wished we have more time.

I said I was sad and afraid. That I'm walking a painful path alone. He said that's what we're going to work on. And that was the end of the session.

ETA: he walked me out today like old times. He told me that I did good work. I said thank you. He said he appreciated that and knew how difficult that was for me to say.