Thank you all for answering.

These days its been a little better as things have improved a little at work. This keeps my plans on track which makes me feel back in control... Death is still in my plans but at least now i feel in control which is of primary importance to me.

Today though, i went to visit some old uni friends and it all went as i had hoped for but i left feeling suicidal and i dont know why.
what mattered to me... being the skinniest (esp. skinnier than one girl), exaggerating the truth and saying i'm going to have that job, and saying i'm going to meet my friend and we'll try living together for a little while... I got to say that, and it made appear in moving on while i feel stuck.

I dont know if these things will become true... I told them my fantasies as if they'll come true... I didnt want to appear as i feel. I wanted to appear as if i'm going on with my life, while all i really want is to die.... Seeing the other girl i was feeling in competition with is more stuck than me, even if shes younger... made me feel a little better, as if i won the competition but the truth is that she has been honest, while i havent... But i cant... They know nothing about my real life and the way i live it and experience it.... Maybe its this... not having been honest... but i cant... with anyone.

Jennifer, i already see a T and take meds (less than i should but still)... Thank you for always answering my posts, i noticed it and wanted to thank you, you're always so nice with me and everyone here...