@ amanda

i used to think that happiness was possible too

i walk around in this semi connected state with a massive part of myself disconected from the world and everyone though, just to wear a smile and laugh and act happy; i feel happy at the time but the way i am im not happy at all.. its just because i've cut myself up inside so much that i dont recognize how i feel, with my memory problems i have problems recalling my emotions and memories and problems until i sit down alone and things start flooding in again but as long as i am pushing myself out like that im just a numb shell of whatever .. i've lost my mind i believe and im worried if i think about it too much i'll have a mental break down again ..

i've some how managed to change everything, with my memory problems it wasn't too hard i think... because its hard to remember who i was last week anyway, i was even talking to someone about it last night; told them i have lost a couple lives so to speak meaning that i've died either like emotionally or spiritually or whatever and born in a different way and just now im a crazy mother ****er that doesnt really give a **** this time and he was like, yeah no ****, because i am unrecognizable compared to who i was last year or even the beginning of the year - but the truth is i do care, its just that i have so many layers stacked on layers anymore if that makes sense

i dont know how one just loses their anxiety or social phobias, or their mental illness just changes, i didnt know that it worked like that

so everyone around me see's me as i am on the outside, i put on a brilliant show, as far as they can tell i have no worries, i am happy, all i wanna do is have fun and get high, but it couldnt be further from the case

but it is semi true at the same time, which confuses the hell out of me which is what makes it such a brilliant show because i become truly other people

when im messin around, tryin to play with others and make other people have a good time, im in a state that is happy and not caring or connected to any of the things that is wrong with me

later ill come back to myself and realize just how far away from myself i was and feel embarrassed and shocked that i can behave like that when i have so much on my mind that bothers me when i was behaving like someone completely different than me

its a push and pull, and its really what has caused me to just let go because i've fought it for a long time and it seems to just cause problems but at the same time its just different problems by giving up

but yet here i am again, feeling like i dont want to get high, not really interested in getting any drugs, and hoping that maybe i can stay away

i just dont want to fall into the trap, get depressed, stuck in bed, end up with more scars, sent to the hospital, i hate the hospital

i like the way things were going because its fun smiling even if i was acting like a fool

i just want to be happy, i have never known happiness, so the broken happiness of drug addicts and such is the only i know

i dont use needles and i wont, its a rule i have; i have enough problems...

my mind has kind of lost track... dont know what i wanted to say now...

im sick you know? not just with drugs but this mental illness stuff...
it started before i started drugs, when i was a kid and parents were screaming and fighting each other half to death...