The benefits of my anger are that it motivates me, and sometimes "snaps" me out of my shame.

But the anger seems to be blind anger. I'll lash out at anything. It also makes me sloppy. I have found that as I get older I am more able to be detail oriented. I think when I was younger I simply did not have the capacity for that, perhaps because I was truly suicidal back then. But I am still learning, so it still takes a conscious effort to do things in a careful, intentional and detail oriented manner--in a way that will benefit myself. The anger is wonderful at boosting my ego, at making me proud and arrogant and hopeful, but during the intense states of anger, I often miss the easiest solutions.

Then I cycle to shame. I am feeling very ashamed currently. I was very angry last night because of my family. I wanted to cause disruption. I didn't do it, but I still feel terrible about myself. I'm planning on taking a walk soon but I know that every step I take will be shameful. Also, I don't deserve to go outside. I should be locked inside. I'm binge eating junk food right now. It helps me feel less empty and also makes me feel less afraid. I have always been afraid of being hungry and thirsty. Due to my ridiculous stubbornness and maybe actual bad environment growing up, during childhood, I stayed in my room the whole day with bottles of water stored up and only snuck out to eat at night. It would be simplistic of me to say I have problems with food because of this, but I think my problems are getting worse.

Right now my theory is that to combat shame I self harm or try to become depressed. Maybe I am already depressed, though. Anyway, I try to feel empty. I need to be wounded. I need to make myself weaker. I often feel that I am unable to be the host of such strong emotions, but I also feel that I am too strong, that my strength is ungraceful and not nuanced and dangerous to myself and others, so I have to be weaker, more depressed or physically wounded to function. I really would like to self harm right now. I shouldn't be allowed to do anything.

These feelings make me unproductive, causing me to fail. Is there a way to experience emotions, especially anger, without the bad parts of them? Why do intense emotions always lead to shame? The easy solution is that I was punished or ignored during childhood for having emotions, but I'd like to go a bit deeper than that. I am very easily angry, and this is the right reaction, I think, but I am not able to channel its complete strength.

As for jealousy, I feel that no one wants me. I feel that I need an emotional caretaker, but don't want people to have to deal with me since I'm obviously a horrible person and I can only hurt people. And yet, despite this knowledge, I get very jealous of people who seem worse than me. For example, I am immensely angry about people who don't deserve to have fathers, yet seem to have them. It doesn't make any sense to me. I get jealous of people who even just get more attention than I do.

I guess I'm very ashamed all the time and would like to stop that now.