(((((hugs to us night owls)))))))))))

I wonder how long the body can go without sleep??? they say it makes you hullucinate and thinking is messed up, sounds like my everyday reactions even with sleep!!!

I keep trying to tell myself that they had to love me in some way, some little way. I married my husband to replace my father, I never left the situation just created a new one. My dad died when I was 25 his last 5 years, he tried so hard to make it up to me, what he did. I fell for it, hook line and sinker, I was so desperate for his love in a normal parent child way. Now I feel like I just betrayed myself more. My T says I played the program my whole life, until mom died two years ago, then with the depression came all the truth, I knew it was there before but I was stil in the programed mode, and doing and acting as I was supposed to. Maybe it is true, it made sense reading that, but it hurts to realize you spent your life thinking you were loved and you were the only one doing the love.

I am told I cannot leave the house, if I do, my husband will use it against me to win custody of the kids, he sees a lawyer tomorrow, to start legal seperation proceedings, even thought I know he doesn't want me, and I know that the reasons we are married are messed up, I don't want a divorce, I don't want to or know how to be on my own!!! I am sick.........I am so used to this behavior, I don't know how to not be in it.............my T gets frustrated with me for not seeing it, maybe I see it, but don't want to.........i don' t know anymore..........I don't want to hurt my kids, put them in the middle of a custody battle......it is wrong to do that.......it is wrong to fight over them, they are not objects.........my T says fight and protect me and the children.......he is a good father..........better then their mom right now!