I have an appt in two weeks with a lawyer, I dragged my feet, I know. I had an appt about a month ago and cancelled. I didn't want to believe it was over. I guess I still dno't that is why I am not acting. The amount of pain I am in, feels like it cannot stay inside anymore........its like feeling sick to my stomach and if it would just all come out, maybe it would feel alittle less painful.

Have you ever felt,
your life was just mean't
to be there for
everyone else, that you
are lost in the role of
being someone else!

I have realized so much
these past few weeks, none
of which I want to believe!

How can a father not love his
daughter, how can a father
have sex with his child?
Does he not see what it
does to his child?

Does he not care and close,
his eyes to see someone,
else that is not there.
I think it is all about him,
that I was put here for dad,
and that is what he saw,
the moment I arrived!

He taught his son's well,
how to use their sister and
throw her away when done.
I beleived their lies, everyone
of them. I thought I was someone
special at first, then I felt like
I was dirt and not worth the
shovel to pick it up with!

I am trying to see that
it wasn't me, that I had no way
to stop what they were doing to me.
I told my mom, and she said to
just let them be, if I wasn't a slut
they wouldn't want me. Watch how
you act everyone else can see,
your asking for this, I told you
not to lead them on that way!

I am grown and still feel,
that I am a horrible person for
the things that I did. I believe it
was me. I mean how could it not
be if I just left from one to find
another. How can one person,
not be loved, but love them
no matter what they have done!

I would of had a child who,
would be 27 today, but he
is no longer but another bad
memory for me.Did I have the
right to take his life away? I didn't
have a choice I was told to
make him go away. My mom who
I thought would protect me, just
gave into what was said, and
took me to the hospital that day.

Some days I feel like I can
do this, and walk away. But
lately I feel like I should be
the one that lost her life that day.
I think that I lost what ever
part of me there was left,
when he first put his hands
upon my chest.I remember that feeling
like it was yesterday, my mind
racing thinking he just slipped
and his hand must of betrayed him.

I ran to my room, and closed the
door, hoping that this was the
end of it all. But little did I know
it was the beginning of my hell,
from that day on I lost who I was,
I became someone to use,
and use all the time, the ones
that I thought loved me didn't
really at all!

Today I don't feel much better,
all the memories are back, and
with them comes the feeling of
death.

I married a man, I thought
loved me also, but now I see
I went from one to another.

I still love him, with all my
heart, and I know that is messed
up, but it doesn't help. He is
going to go, no matter
what I say, I feel like that kid
again, if I don't say, it will all
be alright, I was meant to
feel this way.Use her in anyway,
she won't fight back, she will
be that good little girl that was
the way.

I don't understand how people
can hurt others and not even
care. My feelings are deep, I don't
like to hurt the ones I love, even
though they don't.

I am trying so hard, to do what
I should, he tells me to protect
my children and me. I can protect
my kids, but I am not worth it,
whether it is my fault or not,
all the abuse, I haven't figured
out how to come out.

am I worth all this? Can I stay,
can I someday say I survived and
rebuilt, and I am stronger today.

Right now, I don't care, it would
be easier to give it all away, to lay
down and tell God to take me away.
He won't for some reason, and I
cannot figure it out, why would he
want someone like me anyway!

I am trying to fix it, I really am,
even though it doesn't seem to
be seen that way. but getting
lost in these thoughts isn't easy
to climb out, once they have you,
your miles away from feeling
like it is worth it.

I will try again today, for my kids
sake, but don't hate me if I fail,
and don't feel it was anything
anybody else said or did. It is
those messed up wires, inside
of my head, that keep repeating
to me that I am here to be used
by them again and always.

I will try what you say, stand
up for me, protect myself and my
family. It is something new, and not
sure I can do, but if I don't try
I will lose the ones that want
to help me.Asking for help, is so
hard to do, it is easier to just
be abused. The guilt, the shame,
the feelings of worhtlessness,
are ones I am used to, but asking
for help is new and not something
that I have ever learned.