If you are finding yourself becoming suicidal frequently for unknown reasons, you need to talk to your T about it. I know you say you don't know why you fight, I used to have that feeling too. I realized though, the fact that I was still finding myself fighting the urges, whether I knew the reason or not - meant there must be a reason. I stopped looking for "why" and just accepted it as fact I was going to continue to fight even when I didn't see any reason to. After I accepted that, it made focusing on my real issues easier.

I noticed you said being the skinniest was important to you.

And said the other girl had been honest n you had not ...

Are you anorexic or bullemic n is that what you are hiding?