[QUOTE=Bill3;5786027]It seems clear that right now she is not able to be completely candid with you at all times. I grant that this looks like a character flaw, but everybody on earth has character flaws. To me, the question is not whether she has a flaw, but how significant is this flaw in your relationship: does it outweigh outweigh the many good things you see in her and in the relationship?
I envy your ability, bill, to cut through the fog to the heart of the matter in such a considered way. yes, the significance thing is what i really need to grapple with.
Good scenario: She doesn't lie very often and you address her lying by, each time it happens, gently, nonjudgmentally calling her on it at the time (without by bringing up old stuff like the dic pic,
never saying saying "You always lie", "You are an f-ing liar", etc. Just stick to the incident at hand) and having a mutually respectful discussion. With this approach you may gradually help her learn not to lie.
well, the problem here is that to have that kind of discussion she has to fess up and take responsibility for her lies. She won't and hasn't done that. All she's done is continue to say she's never lied to me and that she's innocent of everything, that i'm the one who is in the wrong, not her.
Bad scenario: She lies a lot, and it turns out the lies re about major, current things like she is seeing another guy, she keeps reaching out for abusive ex, etc. Plus, she refuses to discuss anything. In this scenario you come to realize that she doesn't really love you, regardless of what she says. You end the relationship.
absolutely correct and it's what i hopefully will do if i think she's lied again. right now, there's no way for me to know exactly what she's up to, if anything. until december, we're living 3000 miles apart. so, if i continue to see her, i'm going to have to put my suspicions on the back burner until i'm once again a part of her daily orbit.
The question is: how much are you willing to take a chance on experiencing a bad scenario in order to try to cultivate the good scenario?
this is indeed the major question i need to answer. right now, i'm inclined to stick around, for better or worse, and explain away in my own head both what I consider to be lies and, if lies they be, her refusal to admit to them and take responsibility for them.
I don't see this is a matter of right or wrong.To me, it just isn't clear right now. This is why it is a hard decision.
yup. really hard.
It sounds like you really want the relationship to work, that you really love the many good things you see. If you don't give the relationship every possible to chance to work, how will you feel when you look back and realize that you ended the relationship before giving it every possible chance?
And, on the other hand, if later on the bad scenario materializes and you are really hurt, how will you feel looking back and knowing that by giving it every possible chance you opened yourself to more hurt?
My suggestion is to weigh these two possible outcomes and see which path resonates more deeply with you, better fits who you are.
such wise words, and I thank you for them. in the future, i will try to be more dispassionate when thinking about this and try not to get so emotional about it. at the moment, i can't answer either of those questions, but as i move forward, i hope to keep both of them in the forefront of my brain and perhaps the answer will come to me sooner rather than later.
bill, you've been a godsend to me throughout this little ordeal. never has an internet stranger done more for me than you. again, i can't thank you enough.
*****
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I think you are somewhat enjoying the 'wild and wooly ride'. You are seeing this as an epic love story.
yes, i believe you are right about this, much to my dismay.
You may be giving her too much credit for intelligence and integrity. ... She may just be too emotionally immature for a real relationship. She may just be an inveterate liar.
this could be but that's part of the conundrum i'm faced with. sometimes i think i'm in total denial, sometimes i think she is some kind of sociopath, but most of the time, i'm just confused.
You said she had breast implants and was a size DDD. Most women who get implants stay within a natural size. She went overboard. What do you make of this?
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she got her first implant back in 94. she was pretty flat at the time and said she needed it just to feel good about herself. since then, they've gone up in size and down in size. her triple D days were when she weighed 30 more pounds than she does now, so her breasts then might have been more congruent with her size.
in the past two years, however, due to some major illnesses, she's dropped both in weight (she's around 100lbs now) and height (use to be 5'3, is now 5'1). i think she's a double d now, not triple, and her breasts really do look too big for her. but she likes the way they look on her and she's going to keep them that size. she's also one of the most flamboyant dressers most people have ever seen and she needs that breast size to fill out what she wears. Am I making excuses for her here? Yeah, most likely